He who promised is faithful -My journey of loss and infertility

Note: In March of 2018, I felt like God was asking me to write my infertility story. I didn't really know why, other than maybe my story can encourage someone else who is going through a hard time. It took weeks of writing and editing but by the end of April I had it nearly finished. I wanted to send it to a few people to proof read and edit before I put it on my blog. I never got that far. Little did I know that my story was far from over. And even though my story continues everything that was written here (except for some editing) was written before May 2018. Someday I will write the rest of the story.

I would like to dedicate this to my husband Shawn for being my rock. And to the dear 8 friends that God lead me to when I needed them most. Rhonda, Kendra, Cheryl, Jolene, Abigail, Chrissy, Joanna, and Ashley, thank you for being my safe place, and for “getting it” You all have a special place in my heart and I pray for you often.

Part 1

Baby Evan

Long before I ever met Shawn, I wanted children. As a young teen I dreamed of rescuing homeless children off the streets and starting my own orphanage. At age 20 God lead me to a tiny little classroom in the sub-arctic regions of northern Alberta. I taught school for a total of 8 years in various locations across the US and Canada before I started dating Shawn. Our love story is a great one, but that will have to wait for another time. Shawn and I were both older when we committed our lives to each other, and we decided we wanted children right away. That first year of our marriage was a good one. But pregnancy didn't happen right away like we expected. I tried not to panic too much but began pleading with God, “Please, please don't let me walk through infertility!” I could hardly dare utter the word out loud. I pictured myself like Hannah, broken and sobbing before the altar of God, praying for a child.

For our first anniversary we decided to make it special and head to the Pocono Mountains for a long weekend away at a private little cabin close to a lake where we could enjoy some fishing. I looked at the calendar as I was packing up my suitcase, and on a whim I threw in a pregnancy test. What if? My period was later than normal, and if I was pregnant it would be pretty cool to find out on our anniversary. I did not tell Shawn, cause what if I'm not. I stepped into the bathroom that Sunday morning, and with shaking hands I waited the 3 min for the test to finish. POSITIVE!!! I couldn't believe it!! It was positive!! I cried and laughed, and tried to be quiet. Cause I wanted to surprise Shawn with “the perfect announcement” While he showered I set up the camera to record his reactions. It was a special moment. A special day. He was so surprised. He kept saying, “oh my goodness, oh my goodness!” We talked and we dreamed about our little one growing inside me. We thought of special ways to tell our family and friends. This would be my parent's first grandchild and I knew they would be so happy.

A few weeks went by, our friends and family were so excited for us. I began to experience pregnancy symptoms. I couldn't wait to meet our baby. We both thought we were having a boy and were excited to soon be finding out. One day though, totally unexpected I started bleeding. I felt fine, and my midwife didn't see much of a concern at this point. I began to pray hard! I had this horrible sickening fear. “God wouldn't take our baby would He? Not after I prayed so hard!” But on September 17, 2015, at only 11 weeks, our baby left us. Those few days will haunt me for the rest of my life. The staff in the emergency room where cruel and heartless. “We can't see any signs of a baby, are you sure you were pregnant?” Our midwife was an angel. She called the hospital in the middle of the night and demanded answers. After that we were sent home to wait. Wait for what? No one told us. We were not warned, we were not told what to expect. We were only told, “we can't see any baby, if you bleed too much, come back in.” So we tried to sleep, and wait. The next evening I started having contractions. I didn't know what was going on, I only knew I was in some intense pain. Shawn had made a quick trip to Walmart for some pain meds and I was left alone. If we would have known what was about to happen, he never would have left. I called him about 30 min after he left and told him to hurry. The pain was so bad. He hurried home, and around 11:30 that night, our teeny tiny baby was born. Except we didn't know that birth was happening. No one told us. They had said, “there is no sign of a baby, your body probably already disintegrated it” So my darling husband scooped out our tiny baby from the toilet. He was disfigured. But he was my baby. We wrapped him up in a cloth and put him in the freezer. Oh the heartache. I can't begin to describe the grief. And being in so much pain and watching Shawn grieve too, and there isn't anything I can do about it. Our family and church friends brought us flowers and meals and cards and gave us hugs and were Jesus to us. Since we were both sure our baby was a boy, we decided to name him Evan. The name Evan means “young warrior” I made a little casket for baby Evan. Shawn's parents had given us a mum plant so we took it and we went to the cemetery where Shawn's grandparents are buried. We buried our baby and planted the mum on top. Shawn and I had a little worship service there in the cemetery. It was beautiful. I am so glad I have a special place where our baby is laid to rest.

Grief is hard. All those who've gone through it say, “It takes time.” and it does. Jesus was so close to me during that time. I rested on His promises and drew strength from His love. There were certain songs and verses that spoke volumes to me, and I clung to them with all the courage and strength I had. One such song was a song by the Mullet family. They lost their 16 year old son to cancer and out of that pain and heartache they wrote this song.

It starts with a word that's said

The feeling overwhelms again

Oh how I miss you

I question why in times like these

This life is just a mystery

I look around and see the sky

A reflection of Your smiling eyes

If it wasn't for this peace in my heart

I'd be so alone

How do I cope with a hopeless case

Stand tall when I feel so small

Have joy in the darkest place?

Why do You care so much for me?

You guide me when I just don't see

How do I move on from this place?

A shattered heart and broken dreams

Seems pointless to me

A waste of my time

But You're the One who's changing lives

You see the purpose hidden in disguise

And when I'm crying in the night

You whisper “HOPE”

And You hold me tight

How do I cope with a hopeless case

Stand tall when I feel so small

Have joy in the darkest place?

Why do You care so much for me?

You guide me when I just don't see

How do I move on from this place?

If not for grace

Because of Jesus we can all have hope

And I have a purpose, to trust You

I don't know where You'll lead me

And I'll hold on to Your promise true

And that's how I'll make it through

I will make it through

That's how I'll cope with a hopeless case

Stand tall when I feel so small

Have joy in my darkest place.

Jesus You care so much for me

You guide me when I just don't see

How could I move on from this place

If not for grace.

Part 2

Baby Pearl

Life continued on. April 13, 2016, was Evan's due date. It was a hard day. The whole month was hard. I felt so alone. I cried a lot, wondering what life would have been like if my baby would have lived. I begged for God to just take me HOME, and I imagined what my little Evan was doing in heaven. I saw my grandmas leading him around and showing him flowers and birds and animals. I could easily picture his curly blonde hair and blue eyes. Cards and flowers and hugs from friends meant so much. Even if it was just those 4 simple words, “I'm praying for you.”

In May we decided to move. The next few weeks where busy packing and painting in our new rental house. A week before our moving day, I found out I was pregnant again. There were complications right away, and in the middle of packing up my kitchen, Shawn made me stay in bed. We were both worried sick. I prayed and I prayed, “Lord Jesus, please let this baby live!” The doctor said my blood work looked fine, she saw no cause for alarm. We tried to keep going and not think about it. But how do you do that? Moving day came. Friends stepped in and packed up my kitchen for me. I sat on a chair in our new house and told our movers where to put the boxes. The next day, Sunday, June 26, I sat at our table in our new kitchen and the song “Blessings” by Laura Story came on the radio.

“What if Your blessings come through raindrops?

What if Your healing comes through tears?

What if a thousand sleepless nights is what it takes to know You're near?

What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?...”

I can't really explain how I knew, but at that moment when the song started playing, that's when I knew in my heart that we had lost the baby. I just knew. I was only 5 weeks along. We had only known about our baby for 9 days. The next day, both an ultrasound and my blood work showed that we had in fact lost our baby. We sat out in the van in the parking lot of the doctor's office and cried. Shawn reached over and took my hand and said, “you know it was a girl right? Now we need to pick out a girl's name.” I wasn't so ready to admit that. It was a fast 9 days. During those 9 days I struggled to even hope this baby would live. It was hard to even let myself dream. I knew naming our baby was important, and if Shawn thought it was a girl, I was fine with that. We settled on the name Pearl. Pearl is a gem, and is also the birthstone for June. My doctor suggested we see an infertility specialist. But I wasn't ready. If I just pray harder, or have enough faith, God will hear us. I just knew God was gonna hear my cry and give us a baby. I want Him to get all the glory and praise, not some doctor. So we decided to wait and keep praying.

Part 3

Hitting Rock Bottom

The next few months were the beginning of a very low point. By January 2017, I hit “rock bottom.” I really struggled with trusting God and surrendering my desire to have children. I would pray and commit it to God and then turn around and beg Him to heal me and give me a miracle. I was reading through the New Testament and seeing all these miracles that Jesus did. A women who had been bleeding for 12 years reached out and touched Jesus' garment and she was healed. And I thought “Lord, are you the same today? I've been reaching out now for a long time. Do You not hear me? Do You not care?” Then I read the story where Jesus told a parable about a lady who kept going to the King with a request. The king ignored her over and over again. Still she kept asking, and the king finally answered her request. Then the Bible says, “Jesus taught His disciples this story to teach them not to give up praying.” So I thought, ok I need to pray harder and longer.

The word God gave me for 2017 was “Faith” and it seemed like my faith was really beginning to be tested. What if God never gives us children? Would God do that to me? If God never gives me children can I still call Him my Good Father? Is this really the story He has for us? What if it is? During that season, I fell. I really struggled with depression like I haven't in a very long time. I cried so much. I cried at night when I couldn't sleep. I cried in the morning when I woke up. My poor husband didn't know what to do. He keep telling me to get over it. It became clear to me that I was experiencing some intense spiritual warfare. I had this vision that I was in a dark well. I was trying to climb out. My knees and hands were bleeding and I was out of strength. I kept calling for someone to lower a rope to me, but no one heard me. I would get almost to the top and satan would come with a clenched fist and bop me on the head and I would fall back to the bottom of the well. Only to begin the climbing process all over again. If any of you have ever gone through a season of depression you know exactly what I am talking about. I felt so hopeless, so alone, so rejected. I was not suicidal, but I longed to die. One day in February as Pearl's due date was getting closer, I had a day off at home all to myself. I decided to do some serious praying and Bible reading and journaling. During that time God showed me that He has given me all authority over the enemy. I first prayed for wisdom and strength, then I got to my feet and loudly commanded satan to leave. I shook my fists and screamed for him to leave. “My life belongs to Jesus! By the power of His blood I command you to get out of my life. You leave me alone! You get out of this house, you get out of our marriage. God rules and reigns over this house and you have no business here. You get out and you go far away. My life belongs to Jesus” I said this over and over as tears streamed down my face. Then I got on my knees and asked Jesus to come in and fill these empty places. I asked Him to put a hedge of protection around me, around Shawn, and around our home and our lives. I asked Him to send His angel armies and fight off the enemy for me, to protect us from all evil. It was at this moment that I got another vision. I was in the well, trying to get out, and I saw the hand of God. It did not have a rope. His hand was not clenched. His hand was open, and it came down into the well, and it got under my feet and it lifted me out of the well. God's hand lifted me out and set me on solid ground. I cried and I cried, and I sat at His feet that day, rescued by the strong arms of my loving Heavenly Father. That was a huge turning point. I still had low days after that, but I knew how to get better. My Father God loved me so much, and He began to show me in many ways how much He loved me. I realized that more than anything I wanted to have a relationship with God. He was everything to me. Without the Love of my Father, I am nothing. My prayers began to change after that. I still asked for a miracle baby. But I also committed to love the Lord my God with all my heart. My love and obedience to my Lord would not be contingent on my prayers being answered. And instead I determined to praise God for being good no matter what. He had saved and rescued me. He had shown me again His deep and personal love. He loved me even in my unloveliness. Something pretty amazing began to happen when I began to proclaim God's goodness in the midst of my pain. My eyes turned from focusing on what I wanted God to give me to what God had already given me.

During those hard months I experienced so much loneliness. Shawn didn't know how to encourage me. Friends were kind. Sometimes it was a bouquet of flowers, or a card or going out for coffee. Or just a plain hug on a Sunday morning. These things meant the world to me! And I really really appreciate the special friends that I have in my life. But not many people really got it. No one really knew what it was like. Often I heard things like “Oh just be glad you get a full nights sleep” or “you don't have any children you should have lots of money” or the worst... “just relax, you are thinking about it too much. It'll happen if you quit thinking about it” I would go home from parties or social events and I would cry. I would sob on Shawn's shoulder about some comment that was meant to be kind but was painful instead. And he would listen and soothingly say, “I don't know what to tell you dear.” It was during all this that I stumbled upon a local infertility support group. No, I didn't just stumble upon it. God clearly led my path to cross theirs. It's a close group of eight ladies from the area that have no children and are currently walking the infertility journey. I was scared that first time I went. But when I came home I excitedly told Shawn, “They get it! I finally found someone who gets it! I am not alone!” Over the last year this group of friends has become very special to me. I can come with questions or anger and tears, and they listen, and we cry and pray and encourage each other to let go, and keep loving and be today whom God wants me to be today. I thank God so much for bringing me to this group.

And if I may, let me add right here that if you know of someone walking this hard journey, please be kind. I've never been 9 months pregnant. I don't know the aches and pains. But I hear you complaining and I wish more than anything that I could trade places with you. I realize most times you don't mean for things to be painful for me to hear and it was an innocent comment. But please be considerate of other's pain. Sometimes you may think it's awkward and you aren't sure what to say. I mean, what should you say when someone just buried their baby? Please don't ignore us. Don't turn your backs or avoid us. Maybe you don't want to hear how I really am. And that's ok. But simple things like a card, or “hey I've been praying for you”. Really shows that you do care. If you have the time and the energy, feel free to ask me how I really am? I mean not like, “hey how are you?” I mean like, “hey it's Even's due date this week. How are you doing with it? Can I take you out for coffee sometime? I would like to hear what's on your heart.” Friends, that's how you care. I am not asking you to suddenly turn and do this for me. There are people lonely and hurting all around you. If you really care about your hurting friend, you will find a way to express it. A simple gesture of love can carry someone through the next day or the next week. Show your brothers and sisters they are not alone. I do have good caring friends. One very dear friend of mine sends me a small gift every Mother's Day. It's a simple thing that means so much! I am not forgotten, even on Mother's Day.

Part 4

The Anointing

Spring came, and I felt very strongly that God was leading me to ask for an anointing. I talked to Shawn and started fasting and praying, and seeking direction from God. I learned a few things.

1# Anointing for healing is a command in Scripture.

2# Healing isn't just physical. Sometimes it's spiritual, and emotional as well.

James 5:13-16

Is anyone among you afflicted? (ill-treated, suffering evil) He should pray.

Is anyone glad at heart? He should sing praise to God.

Is anyone among you sick? He should call in the church elders (the spiritual guides). And they should pray over him, anointing him with oil in the Lord's name. And the prayer that is of faith will save him who is sick, and the Lord will restore him; and if he committed sins, he will be forgiven. Confess to one another therefore your faults (your slips, your false steps, your offenses, your sins) and pray also for one another, that you may be healed and restored (to a spiritual tone of mind and heart). The earnest, heartfelt, continued prayer of a righteous man makes tremendous power available [dynamic in its working].

Psalm 23:3 “He refreshes and restores my life, He leads me in the paths of righteousness, not for my earning it, but for His Name's sake.”

My favorite verses of all time, Isaiah 55:12-13 “For you shall go out with JOY and be lead forth with PEACE. The mountains and the hills shall break forth before you into singing and all the trees of the field shall clap their hands. Instead of a thorn shall come up a cypress tree, and instead of the brier shall come up a myrtle tree; and it shall be to the Lord for a name of renown, for an everlasting sign [of jubilant exaltation] and memorial [to His praise] which shall not be cut off.”

Renown means, to make known, acknowledge, make famous, reputation . This theme kept popping up as I read and studied Scripture. There is nothing more I want than for God's name to be glorified in my story. I determined to praise Him, and to tell other's of His great love no matter what the outcome. It's for His Name's Sake.

So on May 5, 2017, we called for the “elders of the church” and they came and right their in our living room, we had an anointing service. It was a very special time for us. God's presence was very real. Shawn had felt like he should get anointed too, so they anointed both of us with oil and prayed over us. There was no strike of lightning, no booming voice from heaven, no warm and fuzzy feelings. After they left Shawn and I had a sweet time of worshiping the Lord. We read Bible verses, and opened a hymnal and just sang songs of worship to the Lord. It was a very beautiful time for Shawn and me. It is a precious memory I will remember for a long time.

Part 5

Treatments

We finally decided we were ready to go see an infertility specialist. We felt God leading us to this next step and wanted to see if there was something wrong. We didn't have a whole lot of money to spend on a specialist, and we were not going to go as far as IVF or some other expensive alternative. We wanted to see if there was a problem, and it was all for "His Name's Sake" Even in this part of our story we wanted God's name to be glorified.  

I was so scared and nervous. I hate going to the doctor. Dr M. was not a very friendly guy, and the very first meeting he had with me was not good for first impressions. He was rude, blunt, and had horrible bed-side manners. I went home and cried and said I wanted to switch doctors. But we continued on. We also found out that because of my 2 miscarriages, our insurance covers a good portion of the testing and doctoring. It still cost us something, but not nearly as much as it does for some. For example, a regular office visit would normally cost $511 but because of “reoccurring pregnancy losses” it came down to $160 per visit. We were so blessed and encouraged that God was going to take care of us. Well if you have ever gone through infertility testing, you know that it takes months to do blood work and testing and ultrasounds and med changes. The doctor took one look at me and my data and said, “I'm fairly convinced you have PCOS” I was shocked! That was not on my radar. Apparently PCOS is not what it used to be. It stands for Poly-cystic Ovary Syndrome, which used to mean you have cysts on your ovaries. I knew that was not true. My family doctor had looked at my ovaries in a previous ultrasound and said they looked fine. Dr M. explained that PCOS was recently redefined and now a days if you have 3 of these 10 symptoms you qualify as having PCOS. Well I had 3 of these 10 symptoms. Basically it meant my hormones were a little out of whack and needed to be balanced with the use of medication. He also saw a very small growth on my uterus. So I had surgery to remove the growth, and then he said everything looks “beautiful.” He put me o n meds and said he really sees no reason why we should not get pregnant in a month or two. So we waited. I took the meds as directed. Oh my goodness! Did they mess with me! Poor Shawn. If you want more details, you'll have to ask him. It was horrible. Then we had ultrasounds, like 3 of them in 11 days time. Ugh. And we waited. Every month was extreme highs. “I'm sure this is the month. I feel like I could be pregnant. My period is late. Better take a test just to make sure. Nope negative. Hopes dashed once again.” Month after month after month. It was awful. Every month the doctor or nurse would say, “I just don't understand why you didn't get pregnant, maybe next month. I'm sure it will happen.” But it didn't. Talk about stress, and anger, and confusion. It was almost too much and it really began to take a toll on me personally, on Shawn, and on our marriage.

Part 6

God's love is enough

By January 2018, I was stressed to the max. We were still doing the monthly treatments and I felt like I couldn't do it any more. Plus we were moving again, and going to the doctor and all the blood work and ultrasounds with packing and cleaning and moving looked so overwhelming. So Shawn and I talked and prayed about it again, and we realized the doctor had sucked us in to “one more cycle” “I'm sure it'll happen next month.” We remembered that when we started seeing the specialist, we didn't want to spend a whole lot of money, we just wanted to see if there was something major wrong. We had our answers. If we feel lead to go back in 6 months or a year from now, fine. But we both felt like God wanted us to stop. It doesn't matter how strong your meds are or what doctor you go to, God still decides when and if life begins. And for right now, God was saying No. So I made the call to the nurse and told her we are putting our “treatments” on hold for awhile. It might be permanent. That was a hard call to make. But at the same time, a HUGE weight lifted from my shoulders and I immediately had so much peace. I knew we had made the right decision.

The word God gave me for 2018 is FLOURISH. I see a bed of green, rich ivy. I see growth, health and strength.

“Forget not the former things,

Do not dwell on the past.

See I am doing a new thing

Now it is springing up.

Do you not perceive it?

I am making a way in the desert

And streams in the wasteland.” (flourish)

Isaiah 43:18-19

“But I am like a green olive tree (flourish) in the house of God

I trust in the mercy of God forever and ever,

I will praise You forever, because YOU HAVE DONE IT;

And in the presence of Your saints I will wait on Your Name,

for it is GOOD.”

Psalm 52:8-9

Recently I had a friend tell me that she doesn't know how I “do it.” She said she admires me for how I have trusted the Lord in my journey, and she doesn't know if she would be able to go through what I have. I've thought a lot about her comments, and this is what I wish I would have told her. … God gives you what you need. It's been so hard. Yes it's the hardest thing I've ever gone through, but, God is so good and faithful and personal. He has shown His love to me over and over. Without His strength and His grace I would not be here today. His love makes me braver.

Braver Still

by: JJ Heller

I never saw it coming

There was no way to prepare

The world kept spinning round me

and left me standing there

And it's ok to grieve

A life that could not be

I'm trying to believe in something greater

Even if the dreams I had turn into dust

There's no wreckage that's too broken to rebuild

The world is just as scary as I thought it was

But Your love makes me braver still

Your love makes me braver

I spent my whole life running

Trying to find a place of rest

Why did it take a wound like this

to let You hold me to Your chest?

Now I can hear You breath

You're singing over me

You're making me believe

In something better

Even if the dreams I had turn into dust

There's no wreckage that's too broken to rebuild

The world is just as scary as I thought it was

But Your love makes me braver still

Your love makes me braver

There in the valley

Where shadows are covering

everything I hold dear

There in the darkness

I hear You whispering

I am here.

If you haven't figured it out by now, God uses songs and Scripture to speak courage and peace. Sometimes when I am going through another hard season, I hang these songs and verses all around my house. I read them while I'm washing dishes or getting ready for work. It's what helps get me through. God continues to be my Friend, and good Good Father. He has met me over and over as I commune with Him. My living room has a large bay window that faces west. In the late afternoon the sun shines in brightly, and I take this time to sit and talk with God. My living room has become my Sanctuary. My time with Jesus is so rich. I have learned so many things. My heart is alive and at peace.

It's been almost a year since we got anointed and I can definitely see how God has healed me. My heart is healing. The pain is not so frequent. My emotions are not so raw. I'm not sure how God did it, but since the anointing I am not the same person. This winter was so different than last year, and I am so in awe of what God has done and is doing in my life.

Hebrews 10:19-25 has become very special to me.

“Therefore brothers and sisters,

since we have confidence to enter the Most Holy Place by the blood of Jesus,

by a new and living way opened for us through the curtain,

that is, His body, and since we have a great Priest over the house of God,

Let us draw near to God with a sincere heart and with the full assurance that faith brings,

having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience

and having our bodies washed with pure water

Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess,

FOR HE WHO PROMISED IS FAITHFUL.

And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds

not giving up meeting together as some are in the habit of doing,

but encouraging one another – and all the more as you see the Day approaching.”

These verses are packed with rich truths, but the phrase that jumps out at me the most is .. “He who promised is faithful.” God has not promised that He will give me children. But He has promised to be near me, to give me strength, to not give me more than I can handle, to protect me, and guide me, and fill me with His love. God is so good, and has given me so much. He is in control. He chooses when every life begins, not some doctor. My trust is in God, and in God alone. I will praise Him, and glorify His name whether He chooses to give us children or not. My relationship with Him is the most important thing to me, and only as His child am I secure in who I am. All I want and all I need is found in Him. I desire the Giver, more than I desire the gift. I desire the Healer more than the healing.

So my friends, if you are facing a hard thing, be encouraged, GOD IS FAITHFUL! He has promised to walk with you, to give you strength and courage. He will redeem your pain if you let Him. His love is everything.

Wonderings

I wonder how different our life would be if we were celebrating our son's first birthday. Would we have a huge party? Would he be walking and getting  in to everything? Would we have moved to Stevens? What would our marriage be like? Would I be taking the miracle of our son for granted? Would I cherish every moment? Would everyone say, "Oh, he looks just like his daddy!"

I can sit and wonder about the "what if's" and the "why's"  And I will for a bit. But then my thoughts turn to God's goodness and I see how He has carried us through this hard journey. I see His strength when I couldn't go on. I feel His presence when I cried into the late hours of the night.  I hear Him whisper words of love and promises.  I feel His gentle touch holding me when no one else understood. And I know beyond the shadow of a doubt, that God's love for me is real and evident. That alone makes all the wonderings and the what if's a little more meaningful, a little more worth it.

Dear Mommy

Mommy, It's ok to cry. God told me that you are sad. I wish I could be there too. To let you hold me and love me. But God told me it's not time yet. Someday I will meet you. Someday you and Daddy will come here, and watch me run and play and we will be together. This place is so beautiful. Just wait till you see it. There are lots of flowers and trees and animals. God gave me a dog of my very own. It's black and white. He's my buddy. We do everything together. And my Grandmas are here. I have so many of them. They all take turns being with me. They all like to tussle my hair, it's so curly. Wait till you see it! They say I look just like Daddy. He should be proud. Oh and it's true, mommy, you do have a special place on God's lap. Sometimes God comes and tells me He just had a nice talk with you and you will be ok. Daddy has a place on God's lap too. I don't think he sits on God's lap much tho, cause God says daddy comes and lays down at His feet. You can tell daddy that God's lap is open to him too. It's a neat thing to sit on God's lap. I've sat on His lap too, and God has told me lots of things about my Daddy and Mommy. He says that you both love me and want to be with me. He says that you are very special to Him and He's taking good care of you. He's taking good care of me too. I'm never lonely or afraid or sad, and I can talk to God any time I want to.
I remember your voice, Mommy. It's pretty. I can still hear you sing sometimes. And Daddy's voice, he has a nice laugh. I remember him laughing so hard one time, he started crying. I was with you for only a short time, but I will always remember your voice.
Mommy, I'm doing good here. It's a really fun place, and I'm so happy. I love you and Daddy and I can't wait for you to join me here. But God says it's not time yet, and He knows, cause He's God and He created everything. So don't be too sad. It's gonna all be ok. I'm so glad you are my mommy.
I love you.
Your son,
Evan



Note: these thoughts came to me one particular rough night when I couldn't sleep. I believe God placed them on my heart to help me heal. If you have had a miscarriage or lost someone special to you try thinking of what they would say if they could talk to you from heaven. This has been healing for both of us.

SO THAT YOU MIGHT BELIEVE

We have been studying the story of Mary, Martha, and Lazarus in our Sunday school lesson. Not all of these thoughts are original with me, but as I pondered this story the last few days, Jesus began to show me something new.

Here is just a recap of the story. You can find more details in the Bible in John 11.

*Lazarus was sick.

*His sisters Mary and Martha called for Jesus to come heal him.

*Jesus loved this family!

*Jesus waited 2 days before beginning His journey to help them.

*Lazarus died. Jesus was too late.

*When Jesus heard that Lazarus had died he told His disciples, “For your sake, I am glad I was not there. It will help you to believe.”

*By the time Jesus got there, Lazarus had been dead 4 days.

*Martha ran out to Him and said, “Lord, if you would have been here, my brother wouldn't have died! But even now, I know whatever You ask of God, He will give it to You.”

*Jesus replied, “Your brother will rise again.”

*Martha said, “I know that he will rise again in the resurrection at the last day.”

*Jesus said, “I am the Resurrection and the Life, whoever believes in Me, although he may die, yet he shall live. And whoever continues to live and believe in Me shall never die at all. Do you believe this?”

*Martha replied, “Yes, Lord, I believe that You are the Christ, the Son of God who has come into the world.”

*Mary ran out to Jesus and dropped down at His feet sobbing and said, “Lord, if you would have been here my brother wouldn't have died.”

*When Jesus saw her weeping, He was deeply moved in His spirit, and troubled, and He wept.

*Jesus asked to be taken to the tomb.

*As they walked to the tomb Jesus continued to groan and sigh repeatedly.

*Upon reaching the tomb Jesus commanded that the stone be taken away.

*Martha said, “Lord by this time he's really gonna stink cause he's been dead for 4 days.”

*Jesus replied, “Didn't I tell you that if you believe you would see the glory of God?”

*Jesus prayed, “Father, I thank You that You have heard Me. Yes, I know You always hear and listen to Me. But I have said this for the benefit of those standing around Me so they might believe that You did send Me.”

*Jesus shouted with a loud voice, “Lazarus, come out!”

*Lazarus came out, his hands and feet wrapped in burial clothes, and a napkin wrapped around his face.

*Jesus said, “Free him of his burial clothes, and let him go.”

*Upon seeing what Jesus had done, many of the Jews who were there believed in Him.

Many of us are on our own journey to the tomb, half expecting a resurrection, half doubting that a resurrection is even possible. It's that parent of a son or daughter that is making poor choices and walking farther away from the Lord. It's that mother in the ICU watching her baby die. It's that father of 5 who has just lost his job. That single mom who is barely hanging on. Maybe it's a physical illness that wakes you up in the middle of the night shaking with pain. Or the news of a close friend diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. Financial stress or relationship strains. Work drama, busy schedules, or vehicle breakdowns. Whatever your grief, you are crying out to the Lord, “If You would have been here, this wouldn't have happened! Don't You see? Don't You care?” And what does Jesus do,

He weeps.

He weeps with you.

And He says, “My precious child, this is happening to you so you might believe. Can you trust Me?"

Heartbroken and lonely I cried to the Lord

This is too much I can't take anymore

My spirit is heavy with sorrow and grief

Where are You, Lord? I need some relief

Don't You see what I'm going through?

I don't understand what You are trying to do

Softly and gently He spoke to my heart

My child, He said, I've been there from the start

I have heard you crying I have felt your pain

I have held you close and whispered your name

You've been through so much, I know and I care

In time you will see that I've always been there

I rested securely safe in His arms

My Father was good and He cared for my heart

His perfect peace came and covered my soul

His presence was there like I never knew before

And as time went on Jesus lessened the pain

He brought rest to my heart and more peace once again

-A. Weaver

In all this, in this deep dark journey to the tomb we must keep our focus on Jesus. He is there. Always. He cares deeply, and He has you in the center of His hand. He will never let go of you. EVER! He is fighting the enemy on your behalf. Jesus is in control. He's got it all figured out. As painful as it is, there is no other plan that is more perfect for you. It's for your good. He turns the ugly into something that can be used to glorify Him. Your faith will become stronger because of your grief. Your relationship with Jesus will become sweeter and more precious as you cling to His promises and trust in His heart. As others see what God is doing in you, they too will begin to believe. Their faith will be stronger because of your grief. God will use your response, your journey to the tomb, as a testimony of His great love. It will not be in vain. It will not be all loss. 

Jesus WILL bring life to your dying, hopeless situation. He may be there right now, crying with a loud voice, “Loose the grave clothes, and let him go.” Some journeys to the tomb are longer than others. Some experience the resurrection immediately. Others the journey takes years. Still other's wont experience the resurrection until Jesus comes in the last day for that final Resurrection. But they will experience it. Someday, when it's the right time. When God says, “ENOUGH! Come forth!” Then all will be made new. All grief and sorrow will be washed away. What a moment! What a glorious day that will be!

IT IS WELL WITH MY SOUL

I was laying on the ultrasound table. Shawn was holding my hand on my left and the nurse was on my right doing her thing. We were waiting in anticipation to hear if our baby was still with us. The nurse had the screen turned in such a way that we couldn't see it. I wanted to scream. “Can't you at least let me see?” I wanted to ask a hundred questions. “Does everything look normal? Is the baby okay? The heart is still beating right? Can you make the heart keep beating? Do something! Make sure that baby is still okay.” But there was nothing I could do except lie still and wait. There was protocol to follow. Even tho she already knew the answer she would first have to call my doctor who would then call me with the news. It could be a few hours before we knew.... yes or no, life or death, joy or sorrow...

A feeling of panic began to rise up deep within me. “I have to know now!” Tears began to flow, again. I started praying. “Lord Jesus, please surround us with Your peace. God, I need Your peace right now.” Immediately words from a song began to filter through my mind and calm my soul.

When peace like a river attendeth my way

When sorrows like sea billows roll

Whatever my lot

Thou hast taught me to say

It is well, it is well with my soul

There it was, peace. The peace I prayed for gently came and rested upon me. I felt it as clearly as if someone would have lain a warm shawl across my shoulders. We would be okay. Somehow. God is here, and it doesn't matter what the circumstances are, God would take care of us. There is no safer place to be then in God's presence, in His plan.


A few hours later we got the word that our precious baby was in heaven with Jesus.


As the days went by and life tried to return to normal I continued to sense the peace of God surrounding me. It was beyond understanding. I can't explain it, it was there.

A few weeks later, on a Sunday morning, I happened to come across an article written by Ann Voskamp that really spoke to my heart.

All that matters, Lord, is that it is well with my soul.

It may not be well with our bodies, the sink, the laundry,

the work, the wallet, the week ahead, or the world,

but it is well with our soul because...

Your grace touch is salve enough for our wounds.

Your certain hope is water enough for our parched places.

Your unfailing arms are more than welcome enough for our rest.

So it is well with my soul and that is why all is well,

why even now, even we are well.

-Ann Voskamp

I read it and reread it. It was perfect. I read it to Shawn and we talked about it. Yes, that's exactly it. I can say it is well with my soul, because God's arms are holding us. I continued on with my morning, made a cup of coffee, and Shawn turned on the radio. The first words of the song that was playing was... “It is well, it is well with my soul.” I stared at the radio and Shawn exclaimed, “That's the song!!” You can't explain it. It was no coincidence. In fact, it wasn't even the famous hymn by Philip Bliss that was playing, it was a song by Kristene DiMarco and she had penned that famous phrase into her song. We had turned on the radio at the exact moment of that song to hear those words, “It is well, it is well with my soul.” God ordained that moment. He created it, and made sure everything was exactly in place at the right time. His hand was clearly upon us that morning. The experience left me in awe of God's love for me. He loves me so much, and I am so undeserving. Too often I fail to praise Him or forget to spend time with Him or complain about silly things that don't go my way. His love is faithful. My disobedience and negligence doesn't change or diminish His love for me.

God is indeed so very good. His presence, His peace, His love, His faithfulness, is beyond understanding. I can't explain it.

“May Christ through your faith [actually] dwell (settle down, abide, make His permanent home) in your hearts! May you be rooted deep in love and founded securely on love. That you may have the power and be strong to apprehend and grasp with all the saints [God's devoted people, the experience of that love] what is the breadth, and length, and height and depth of it. [That you may really come] to know [practically, through experience for yourselves] the love of Christ which far surpasses mere knowledge [without experience]: that you may be filled [through all your being] unto all the fullness of God [may have the richest measure of the divine Presence, and become a body wholly filled and flooded with God Himself]!” (Ephesians 3:17-19 amplified)

Chew on that for awhile.

His Mercies in Disguise

“I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of Him, So now I give her to the Lord, for her whole life she will be given to the Lord. Go, my daughter, and worship the Lord there.” (I Samuel 1:37-28)


We found out on Father's Day. It was so special. God was giving us another precious gift. Our joy was held at bay tho as complications immediately began. Fear is such an ugly thing. It controlled me more than I would like to admit. I saught after God continuously to save our baby. Dr. Fannin seamed to think that everything was ok. Blood work looked normal. We continued on as planned as best we could.

The day after we found out another baby was on the way, Shawn looks at me and says with confidence, “You do know it's a girl, right?” I laughed. I wasn't so sure, but he was convinced.  We tried to get excited. There were moments the fear melted away and we dreamed of holding our beautiful baby. But the joy never really lasted long.


It was our week of moving too. So there was packing and cleaning that needed to be done. There were days I had to lay down. I spent a lot of time reading my Bible and praying, and in those moments God's presence was right there in the room with me.  We had friends who came and took over for me when I felt like I couldn't. Moving day went on without a hitch. We were so blessed with many, many caring hearts and helping hands.

Sunday, only a week after we knew of our precious little one, complications began to escalate. I was sitting in the kitchen of our new house and the song Blessings, by Laura Story came on the radio. 

“What if your blessings come through raindrops,

 what if your healing comes through tears,

 what if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near,

 what if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life 

is a revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy. 

What if trials of this life, the rains, the storms, the hardest nights 

are Your mercies in disguise.”

I wept. Oh how I wept. I knew in my soul that our baby would not be with us much longer. That night in our devotions together we read Psalm 119:68 “You are good, and what You do is good.”


Monday, June 26, following an ultrasound, the doctor with such kind words utters what you already know in your heart. “Unfortunately it looks like you are having a miscarriage, I am so sorry.”
Relief and sorrow, that's what I felt that day. The burden of fear was gone, and only then I realized how controlled I had been by fear. Relief that there was an answer to what was going on with my body. Relief that it would all be over soon. Sorrow that our baby girl was taken from us too soon. Sorrow of not ever knowing who our child would have grown up to become.


9 days, we only knew for 9 days. There was life, and then there wasn't. Somewhere along the line our baby girl joined her brother in heaven. I am a mommy of 2 who are dancing on golden streets in the presence of the King of Kings. Shawn said we needed to pick out a girl's name. We had named our son Evan, which means mighty warrior, and we wanted a girl's name that had some meaning to it as well. We thought about it for awhile. The name Pearl stood out to us, but it meant 'a gem' That's nice and all, but we wanted more meaning. Then we found out that Pearl is the birthstone for June. It seemed so fitting, so we named our baby girl Pearl.

Pearl Weaver

It's hard to express my thoughts and feelings in the days that followed. I was busy. There were boxes to unpack and shelves to fill. I tried not to think about it some days. Other days, it's all I could think about. I was keenly aware of how the loss of my first baby had shook me to the core. It had left me depressed and insecure of who I was. There were months of grappling in the dark to find my purpose and meaning. Our marriage suffered greatly. I hit rock bottom. So did Shawn. I did not want to go through that again. At first my thought was to just build a bridge and walk over the chasm of grief to the other side where there was healing and life. Why go through grief again? I don't need it. But I knew that I wouldn't heal properly if I didn't allow myself to process and grieve. So I began to journal, read my Bible and pray. I spent hours with Jesus, and oh it was sweet. His presence was surreal, His peace was beyond all understanding. I made lists of verses and hung them through out the house. I felt happy, peaceful, and hopeful that this journey through grief would be an easier one. Life would go on. God would always be here.

And He has been. It's been a month now and I can't begin to explain the peace that God has brought to my heart. I don't think I've ever experienced anything quite like it. God has wrapped His arms around me and spoken love and comfort to my aching soul.

 “I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of Him,...So often I read this verse and stop there, but the last few weeks I've really been thinking about the verse that follows.
"So now I give him to the Lord, for his whole life he will be given to the Lord. Go, my son, and worship the Lord there.” (I Samuel 1:37-28) It is a great honor to have my children called, by their Heavenly Father, to worship  Him in Heaven. And with anything the Lord gives me, whether a house, a new job, finances, family or friends, I need to hold them with an open hand. Give all to the Lord to do with what He wants to do.

The Lord gives, and the Lord takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord. Job 1:21




I will sing the Lord's praise, for He has been good to me. Psalm 13:6


I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord. Psalm 26:13-14


Many, Lord my God, are the WONDERS you have done, the things you planned for us. None can compare with You; were I to speak and tell of your deeds, they would be too many to declare. Psalm 40:5


For GREAT is Your LOVE, reaching to the heavens; Your faithfulness reaches to the skies. Psalm 57:10


I will sing of Your strength, in the morning I will sing of Your love: for you are my fortress, my God on whom I can rely. Psalm 59:16-17


The whole earth is filled with AWE at Your WONDERS; where morning dawns, where evening fades, You call forth songs of JOY. Psalm 65:8



You are good, and what You do is good. Psalm 119:68

Baby Evan Weaver now in heaven with Jesus

.....how does one even begin to tell of the heart break.

I don't understand. I only know that God is in control, and what He does is good. I will keep trusting Him, even through the dark when I can't see what's in front of me. God has never failed me before, and I know He's not gonna start now.

Thank you fro praying for us.