Dear Mommy

Mommy, It's ok to cry. God told me that you are sad. I wish I could be there too. To let you hold me and love me. But God told me it's not time yet. Someday I will meet you. Someday you and Daddy will come here, and watch me run and play and we will be together. This place is so beautiful. Just wait till you see it. There are lots of flowers and trees and animals. God gave me a dog of my very own. It's black and white. He's my buddy. We do everything together. And my Grandmas are here. I have so many of them. They all take turns being with me. They all like to tussle my hair, it's so curly. Wait till you see it! They say I look just like Daddy. He should be proud. Oh and it's true, mommy, you do have a special place on God's lap. Sometimes God comes and tells me He just had a nice talk with you and you will be ok. Daddy has a place on God's lap too. I don't think he sits on God's lap much tho, cause God says daddy comes and lays down at His feet. You can tell daddy that God's lap is open to him too. It's a neat thing to sit on God's lap. I've sat on His lap too, and God has told me lots of things about my Daddy and Mommy. He says that you both love me and want to be with me. He says that you are very special to Him and He's taking good care of you. He's taking good care of me too. I'm never lonely or afraid or sad, and I can talk to God any time I want to.
I remember your voice, Mommy. It's pretty. I can still hear you sing sometimes. And Daddy's voice, he has a nice laugh. I remember him laughing so hard one time, he started crying. I was with you for only a short time, but I will always remember your voice.
Mommy, I'm doing good here. It's a really fun place, and I'm so happy. I love you and Daddy and I can't wait for you to join me here. But God says it's not time yet, and He knows, cause He's God and He created everything. So don't be too sad. It's gonna all be ok. I'm so glad you are my mommy.
I love you.
Your son,
Evan



Note: these thoughts came to me one particular rough night when I couldn't sleep. I believe God placed them on my heart to help me heal. If you have had a miscarriage or lost someone special to you try thinking of what they would say if they could talk to you from heaven. This has been healing for both of us.

SO THAT YOU MIGHT BELIEVE

We have been studying the story of Mary, Martha, and Lazarus in our Sunday school lesson. Not all of these thoughts are original with me, but as I pondered this story the last few days, Jesus began to show me something new.

Here is just a recap of the story. You can find more details in the Bible in John 11.

*Lazarus was sick.

*His sisters Mary and Martha called for Jesus to come heal him.

*Jesus loved this family!

*Jesus waited 2 days before beginning His journey to help them.

*Lazarus died. Jesus was too late.

*When Jesus heard that Lazarus had died he told His disciples, “For your sake, I am glad I was not there. It will help you to believe.”

*By the time Jesus got there, Lazarus had been dead 4 days.

*Martha ran out to Him and said, “Lord, if you would have been here, my brother wouldn't have died! But even now, I know whatever You ask of God, He will give it to You.”

*Jesus replied, “Your brother will rise again.”

*Martha said, “I know that he will rise again in the resurrection at the last day.”

*Jesus said, “I am the Resurrection and the Life, whoever believes in Me, although he may die, yet he shall live. And whoever continues to live and believe in Me shall never die at all. Do you believe this?”

*Martha replied, “Yes, Lord, I believe that You are the Christ, the Son of God who has come into the world.”

*Mary ran out to Jesus and dropped down at His feet sobbing and said, “Lord, if you would have been here my brother wouldn't have died.”

*When Jesus saw her weeping, He was deeply moved in His spirit, and troubled, and He wept.

*Jesus asked to be taken to the tomb.

*As they walked to the tomb Jesus continued to groan and sigh repeatedly.

*Upon reaching the tomb Jesus commanded that the stone be taken away.

*Martha said, “Lord by this time he's really gonna stink cause he's been dead for 4 days.”

*Jesus replied, “Didn't I tell you that if you believe you would see the glory of God?”

*Jesus prayed, “Father, I thank You that You have heard Me. Yes, I know You always hear and listen to Me. But I have said this for the benefit of those standing around Me so they might believe that You did send Me.”

*Jesus shouted with a loud voice, “Lazarus, come out!”

*Lazarus came out, his hands and feet wrapped in burial clothes, and a napkin wrapped around his face.

*Jesus said, “Free him of his burial clothes, and let him go.”

*Upon seeing what Jesus had done, many of the Jews who were there believed in Him.

Many of us are on our own journey to the tomb, half expecting a resurrection, half doubting that a resurrection is even possible. It's that parent of a son or daughter that is making poor choices and walking farther away from the Lord. It's that mother in the ICU watching her baby die. It's that father of 5 who has just lost his job. That single mom who is barely hanging on. Maybe it's a physical illness that wakes you up in the middle of the night shaking with pain. Or the news of a close friend diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. Financial stress or relationship strains. Work drama, busy schedules, or vehicle breakdowns. Whatever your grief, you are crying out to the Lord, “If You would have been here, this wouldn't have happened! Don't You see? Don't You care?” And what does Jesus do,

He weeps.

He weeps with you.

And He says, “My precious child, this is happening to you so you might believe. Can you trust Me?"

Heartbroken and lonely I cried to the Lord

This is too much I can't take anymore

My spirit is heavy with sorrow and grief

Where are You, Lord? I need some relief

Don't You see what I'm going through?

I don't understand what You are trying to do

Softly and gently He spoke to my heart

My child, He said, I've been there from the start

I have heard you crying I have felt your pain

I have held you close and whispered your name

You've been through so much, I know and I care

In time you will see that I've always been there

I rested securely safe in His arms

My Father was good and He cared for my heart

His perfect peace came and covered my soul

His presence was there like I never knew before

And as time went on Jesus lessened the pain

He brought rest to my heart and more peace once again

-A. Weaver

In all this, in this deep dark journey to the tomb we must keep our focus on Jesus. He is there. Always. He cares deeply, and He has you in the center of His hand. He will never let go of you. EVER! He is fighting the enemy on your behalf. Jesus is in control. He's got it all figured out. As painful as it is, there is no other plan that is more perfect for you. It's for your good. He turns the ugly into something that can be used to glorify Him. Your faith will become stronger because of your grief. Your relationship with Jesus will become sweeter and more precious as you cling to His promises and trust in His heart. As others see what God is doing in you, they too will begin to believe. Their faith will be stronger because of your grief. God will use your response, your journey to the tomb, as a testimony of His great love. It will not be in vain. It will not be all loss. 

Jesus WILL bring life to your dying, hopeless situation. He may be there right now, crying with a loud voice, “Loose the grave clothes, and let him go.” Some journeys to the tomb are longer than others. Some experience the resurrection immediately. Others the journey takes years. Still other's wont experience the resurrection until Jesus comes in the last day for that final Resurrection. But they will experience it. Someday, when it's the right time. When God says, “ENOUGH! Come forth!” Then all will be made new. All grief and sorrow will be washed away. What a moment! What a glorious day that will be!

IT IS WELL WITH MY SOUL

I was laying on the ultrasound table. Shawn was holding my hand on my left and the nurse was on my right doing her thing. We were waiting in anticipation to hear if our baby was still with us. The nurse had the screen turned in such a way that we couldn't see it. I wanted to scream. “Can't you at least let me see?” I wanted to ask a hundred questions. “Does everything look normal? Is the baby okay? The heart is still beating right? Can you make the heart keep beating? Do something! Make sure that baby is still okay.” But there was nothing I could do except lie still and wait. There was protocol to follow. Even tho she already knew the answer she would first have to call my doctor who would then call me with the news. It could be a few hours before we knew.... yes or no, life or death, joy or sorrow...

A feeling of panic began to rise up deep within me. “I have to know now!” Tears began to flow, again. I started praying. “Lord Jesus, please surround us with Your peace. God, I need Your peace right now.” Immediately words from a song began to filter through my mind and calm my soul.

When peace like a river attendeth my way

When sorrows like sea billows roll

Whatever my lot

Thou hast taught me to say

It is well, it is well with my soul

There it was, peace. The peace I prayed for gently came and rested upon me. I felt it as clearly as if someone would have lain a warm shawl across my shoulders. We would be okay. Somehow. God is here, and it doesn't matter what the circumstances are, God would take care of us. There is no safer place to be then in God's presence, in His plan.


A few hours later we got the word that our precious baby was in heaven with Jesus.


As the days went by and life tried to return to normal I continued to sense the peace of God surrounding me. It was beyond understanding. I can't explain it, it was there.

A few weeks later, on a Sunday morning, I happened to come across an article written by Ann Voskamp that really spoke to my heart.

All that matters, Lord, is that it is well with my soul.

It may not be well with our bodies, the sink, the laundry,

the work, the wallet, the week ahead, or the world,

but it is well with our soul because...

Your grace touch is salve enough for our wounds.

Your certain hope is water enough for our parched places.

Your unfailing arms are more than welcome enough for our rest.

So it is well with my soul and that is why all is well,

why even now, even we are well.

-Ann Voskamp

I read it and reread it. It was perfect. I read it to Shawn and we talked about it. Yes, that's exactly it. I can say it is well with my soul, because God's arms are holding us. I continued on with my morning, made a cup of coffee, and Shawn turned on the radio. The first words of the song that was playing was... “It is well, it is well with my soul.” I stared at the radio and Shawn exclaimed, “That's the song!!” You can't explain it. It was no coincidence. In fact, it wasn't even the famous hymn by Philip Bliss that was playing, it was a song by Kristene DiMarco and she had penned that famous phrase into her song. We had turned on the radio at the exact moment of that song to hear those words, “It is well, it is well with my soul.” God ordained that moment. He created it, and made sure everything was exactly in place at the right time. His hand was clearly upon us that morning. The experience left me in awe of God's love for me. He loves me so much, and I am so undeserving. Too often I fail to praise Him or forget to spend time with Him or complain about silly things that don't go my way. His love is faithful. My disobedience and negligence doesn't change or diminish His love for me.

God is indeed so very good. His presence, His peace, His love, His faithfulness, is beyond understanding. I can't explain it.

“May Christ through your faith [actually] dwell (settle down, abide, make His permanent home) in your hearts! May you be rooted deep in love and founded securely on love. That you may have the power and be strong to apprehend and grasp with all the saints [God's devoted people, the experience of that love] what is the breadth, and length, and height and depth of it. [That you may really come] to know [practically, through experience for yourselves] the love of Christ which far surpasses mere knowledge [without experience]: that you may be filled [through all your being] unto all the fullness of God [may have the richest measure of the divine Presence, and become a body wholly filled and flooded with God Himself]!” (Ephesians 3:17-19 amplified)

Chew on that for awhile.

His Mercies in Disguise

“I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of Him, So now I give her to the Lord, for her whole life she will be given to the Lord. Go, my daughter, and worship the Lord there.” (I Samuel 1:37-28)


We found out on Father's Day. It was so special. God was giving us another precious gift. Our joy was held at bay tho as complications immediately began. Fear is such an ugly thing. It controlled me more than I would like to admit. I saught after God continuously to save our baby. Dr. Fannin seamed to think that everything was ok. Blood work looked normal. We continued on as planned as best we could.

The day after we found out another baby was on the way, Shawn looks at me and says with confidence, “You do know it's a girl, right?” I laughed. I wasn't so sure, but he was convinced.  We tried to get excited. There were moments the fear melted away and we dreamed of holding our beautiful baby. But the joy never really lasted long.


It was our week of moving too. So there was packing and cleaning that needed to be done. There were days I had to lay down. I spent a lot of time reading my Bible and praying, and in those moments God's presence was right there in the room with me.  We had friends who came and took over for me when I felt like I couldn't. Moving day went on without a hitch. We were so blessed with many, many caring hearts and helping hands.

Sunday, only a week after we knew of our precious little one, complications began to escalate. I was sitting in the kitchen of our new house and the song Blessings, by Laura Story came on the radio. 

“What if your blessings come through raindrops,

 what if your healing comes through tears,

 what if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near,

 what if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life 

is a revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy. 

What if trials of this life, the rains, the storms, the hardest nights 

are Your mercies in disguise.”

I wept. Oh how I wept. I knew in my soul that our baby would not be with us much longer. That night in our devotions together we read Psalm 119:68 “You are good, and what You do is good.”


Monday, June 26, following an ultrasound, the doctor with such kind words utters what you already know in your heart. “Unfortunately it looks like you are having a miscarriage, I am so sorry.”
Relief and sorrow, that's what I felt that day. The burden of fear was gone, and only then I realized how controlled I had been by fear. Relief that there was an answer to what was going on with my body. Relief that it would all be over soon. Sorrow that our baby girl was taken from us too soon. Sorrow of not ever knowing who our child would have grown up to become.


9 days, we only knew for 9 days. There was life, and then there wasn't. Somewhere along the line our baby girl joined her brother in heaven. I am a mommy of 2 who are dancing on golden streets in the presence of the King of Kings. Shawn said we needed to pick out a girl's name. We had named our son Evan, which means mighty warrior, and we wanted a girl's name that had some meaning to it as well. We thought about it for awhile. The name Pearl stood out to us, but it meant 'a gem' That's nice and all, but we wanted more meaning. Then we found out that Pearl is the birthstone for June. It seemed so fitting, so we named our baby girl Pearl.

Pearl Weaver

It's hard to express my thoughts and feelings in the days that followed. I was busy. There were boxes to unpack and shelves to fill. I tried not to think about it some days. Other days, it's all I could think about. I was keenly aware of how the loss of my first baby had shook me to the core. It had left me depressed and insecure of who I was. There were months of grappling in the dark to find my purpose and meaning. Our marriage suffered greatly. I hit rock bottom. So did Shawn. I did not want to go through that again. At first my thought was to just build a bridge and walk over the chasm of grief to the other side where there was healing and life. Why go through grief again? I don't need it. But I knew that I wouldn't heal properly if I didn't allow myself to process and grieve. So I began to journal, read my Bible and pray. I spent hours with Jesus, and oh it was sweet. His presence was surreal, His peace was beyond all understanding. I made lists of verses and hung them through out the house. I felt happy, peaceful, and hopeful that this journey through grief would be an easier one. Life would go on. God would always be here.

And He has been. It's been a month now and I can't begin to explain the peace that God has brought to my heart. I don't think I've ever experienced anything quite like it. God has wrapped His arms around me and spoken love and comfort to my aching soul.

 “I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of Him,...So often I read this verse and stop there, but the last few weeks I've really been thinking about the verse that follows.
"So now I give him to the Lord, for his whole life he will be given to the Lord. Go, my son, and worship the Lord there.” (I Samuel 1:37-28) It is a great honor to have my children called, by their Heavenly Father, to worship  Him in Heaven. And with anything the Lord gives me, whether a house, a new job, finances, family or friends, I need to hold them with an open hand. Give all to the Lord to do with what He wants to do.

The Lord gives, and the Lord takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord. Job 1:21




I will sing the Lord's praise, for He has been good to me. Psalm 13:6


I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord. Psalm 26:13-14


Many, Lord my God, are the WONDERS you have done, the things you planned for us. None can compare with You; were I to speak and tell of your deeds, they would be too many to declare. Psalm 40:5


For GREAT is Your LOVE, reaching to the heavens; Your faithfulness reaches to the skies. Psalm 57:10


I will sing of Your strength, in the morning I will sing of Your love: for you are my fortress, my God on whom I can rely. Psalm 59:16-17


The whole earth is filled with AWE at Your WONDERS; where morning dawns, where evening fades, You call forth songs of JOY. Psalm 65:8



You are good, and what You do is good. Psalm 119:68

Baby Evan Weaver now in heaven with Jesus

.....how does one even begin to tell of the heart break.

I don't understand. I only know that God is in control, and what He does is good. I will keep trusting Him, even through the dark when I can't see what's in front of me. God has never failed me before, and I know He's not gonna start now.

Thank you fro praying for us.

Baby Weaver On Board

Note: I wrote this on Tuesday, Sept 8, 2015 but I thought it needed a bit of editing, so I didn't post it. I also needed to take a week 9 picture to add to this post.

One week later (week 10) I began the horrible heartbreaking process of a miscarriage. I decided to post this anyway. Hopefully in a few days there will be another post about our healing process, and the journey of loosing our baby. Thank your for your prayers. It's been the hardest thing we have ever gone through. 

If any of you know us well, you know that we enjoy our cookies and coffee. Shawn especially loves his cookies, and I love my coffee. Our wedding theme was, "We go together like cookies and coffee." So...  having said that, we are excited to announce that in April we will be adding milk to our cookies and coffee. Yes, that's right, WE'RE EXPECTING A BABY!!! We've been praying and hoping for a little while now that God was send us a little miracle. We are so overjoyed, and praise God for His goodness to us. 

It was our first anniversary, the day we found out I was pregnant. I suspected it... sort of, hoping like I do every month, but trying not to hope too much. We spent 4 days at Promised Land Lake in PA. I threw in a pregnancy test, just in case. The schedule on my calendar said if I was pregnant I could find out sometime that weekend. And lo and behold...... Sunday morning (our anniversary) I decided to take the test. Much to my surprise IT WAS POSITIVE!!!! I cried. Shawn had no idea what was going on, or that I had even brought a test along. So I started thinking about how I was going to tell him. It was so hard to keep my composure. I was shaking, and either crying or laughing. I began to prepare breakfast as planned, hoping Shawn would leave the room for a few minutes. He finally went to use the restroom and I flew into action. By the time he came out I was ready. I told him I had a surprise for him, and wanted him to sit on the couch. I had my cell phone in the corner videoing the whole thing. I first handed him a Bible and told him to read Deuteronomy 11:18-21 

"Fix these words of mine in your hearts and minds; tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Teach them to your children,talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.  Write them on the door frames of your houses and on your gates, so that your days and the days of your children may be many in the land the Lord swore to give your ancestors, as many as the days that the heavens are above the earth." 

I then handed him the ring box that he had used when he proposed to me. Inside the ring box I had put a coffee granule. He took the box, opened it, and said, "what is it? a bug??" I started crying so hard I couldn't speak. I finally choked out... "It's a coffee granule, it's the size of our baby." He said, "What?" I said, "I'm pregnant!!" He said, 'What?" Are you sure? When did you find out? How do you know?" So I showed him the test. Then he said, "Oh my goodness, Oh my goodness" We were excited and in shock, talking about the possibilities, could it really be? Is it true? What is this gonna be like? How is our life going to change? When am I due? We laughed and cried for a long time. I have the whole thing on video, but trust me, you probably don't want to see it. :) 

Week 5, Baby is the size of a sesame seed.

I had to take a picture while I still fit in my wedding dress.

 It might be the last chance I have for a while. :)

We decided to start telling our families. We told his parents right as soon as we got back, and they were ecstatic. The video of them  is priceless. Since my family is so far away we decided to just skype them. We found these cute mugs for 10 cents at a yard sale, and I had found the pink onesie at walmart quite a few months ago. So we held them up for my parents and my sisters to see. Although the skype connection was a bit poor, it was still better then a phone call, or an email. We saw their faces and heard their responses. I was able to tell Ralph and Krista in person when my cousin and I went up for Krista's bridal shower. It was special to at least tell someone from my family in person. Both families are so excited. This is the first grandchild for my parents, so it's even extra special. So far almost everyone thinks we're gonna have a boy. We plan to find out around Christmas time if it will be a boy or a girl.

Week 6 Baby is the size of a lentil bean.                                  Week 7 baby is the size of blueberry.

 PROUD AUNTIES

An unanswered prayer, an open door

Sometimes we pray and pray for God to answer a prayer, to show us a miracle, to come through for us. We know what the answer should be. It only makes sense. But what if the answer to our prayers is the complete opposite of what we want. What if it's the complete opposite of what we expect from God.

And when the answer comes....

No, God! That's not supposed to happen. That's not like you. This is not the answer I prayed for. 

Confusion and doubts set in. This is not like God! Faith begins to crumble like a dry sand castle. 

We wrestle with our mind. We wrestle with our preconceived ideas of who God is and how He cares for us. 

At first God is silent. He lets us ponder. He waits until He knows we are ready to listen. Sometimes God is silent for a long time because He  knows our hearts aren't ready to hear His still small voice. 

This happened to me recently. I had it all planned out. I had a very specific prayer request. It was something only God could do. Something I could hardly wait to praise Him for. I knew He was going to come through. There was a time limit tho, and time was running out. But knowing God, He would probably wait till the last possible minute before answering my prayer. I knew He would tho. He was God, He cared about me and my problems. I knew He wouldn't forget His child. I was reminded so many times of how God had showed Himself faithful in my past. So many specific prayer requests I had prayed and God had answered. So many miracles He had given me. God was good, I had seen Him work before. He would come through again. And I couldn't wait! I was excited! My faith was strong. 

The time limit came and went..... no answer. Nothing happened. God did not come through. He allowed the horrible to happen. He was silent. I was devastated. God would  not do this to His child! Hadn't I prayed hard enough? Had I angered Him in some way? Was I being punished for something I had done? This was not like God. It seemed to me that God had acted out of character.  It would have been so easy for Him. I would have praised Him from the mountain tops. Isn't that what He wants... me to glorify His name? 

God started speaking. He was gentle. He was kind. He was not condemning or critical of my doubts towards Him. Not in the least. 

My child, don't you see, I did answer your prayer. I answered it in ways you were not expecting. I said no, but I still answered your prayer. I did hear you. I have plans for you that you know not of. You think you have me all figured out. But am I not God? Can I not do whatever I want? Am I still good and Holy even if I allow 'horrible' things to happen to you? Trust me my child. What I have planned for you is far greater than your answer to your prayer. 

And then God showed me this picture of a hallway with many doors. Each door lead to a different room with an exit door and another hallway with more doors. It was like a maze. You didn't know where each door lead, and you weren't sure if one of them would lead you to a dead end. Some of the doors were opened, but most of them were closed. Sometimes the doors would open and close at different times. We as humans like to plan our own life. I'm gonna walk through this door, tour the room, walk out the exit door, down the hall to the third door on the left. Go through that door tour the next room. etc... if the door is closed we like to sit in front of it, sometimes pounding violently until the door opens. Sometimes the door never opens, and we take up permanent residency in the hallway like a homeless man on the street, waiting for "our door" to open. 

Helen Keller said, "When one door of happiness closes, another opens: But often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which was been opened for us."

Isn't that so true? We wait and wait and grumble and complain and we miss golden opportunities. 

I find myself doing this often. I'm standing in front of a closed door. I think it is the "right" door for me to go through. I wait, and beg and pray and plead and cry and demand. 

But God says....  Hey, did you notice the other door down the hall that I have opened for you? Yeah it might not be as glamorous or fun, but the rewards on the other side of that door are so worth it. So what are you going to do? Are you going to sit here and make camp outside this closed door? Or are you going to trust me and move forward to what I have planned for you? Can you praise My name even if the door you desire to open, remains closed? I see what you have done, and I have placed before you an open door that no one can shut. I know you have little strength, You find security in familiar things. Don't resist change. Come, walk in realms you've never known before. Beyond this open door is a new and fresh anointing. Hear my Spirit calling you to go. Walk on through the door, for I will go before you into a great power you've never known before. 

So we pick up our suitcases, keep our eyes on the goal, and step through the open door that God has placed before us. It wasn't what we had in mind, it's not going to be easy, but God is already there. His power and glory are shining through the doorway like sunlight spilling through a window. In the process our perspective changes. We pray, "Lord, not my will, but Your's be done." We praise God, for He is Holy and good even when the doors we think we want opened, remain closed. 

note: references are from Revelation 3, and some song lyrics from "Beyond the Open Door" by the Gaither Vocal Band