A few years later while teaching school, I again became very depressed. There are a lot of details that played into that. I hated life, and didn't want to live anymore. The darkest moment of my life happened a few weeks before Christmas. Some friends and I were driving a few hours away to a Christmas play. I can still remember the empty helplessness that I felt. I so badly wanted to die. I heard voices telling me to open the car door and jump out. I remember touching the door. I remember shaking with fear and moving closer the the center of the car. I felt so alone. After that experience I knew I needed help, and I was willing to ask for it. That was the beginning of a long, hard journey. I was able to get some counseling, and talk about my depression. Most of my problems steamed from a stubborn heart. I struggled for a few years to really commit to following after God. But I eventually got my act together, and although I had more set backs than I can count, I started taking one small step at a time. ( A season of wasted years and regrets ) Writing and remembering this, has reminded me of what God has saved me from! Where would I be today if I would not have turned my life over to Him? Would I still be alive? Would I be locked up in a mental hospital somewhere, totally wasted? "God thank You so much for rescuing me, and giving me chance after chance. I owe my life to You."
Ever since then depression as been like a plague always knocking at the door. Sometimes it doesn't take much at all to set me over the edge. The last few months to a year have been so different for me. Being at SMBI was an amazing experience, a real booster in my spiritual life. But especially since I moved to Waterloo, Ontario, God has shown Himself to me in AMAZINGLY REAL ways. He is so personal, and real to me. He has shown His love to me in ways I have never experienced before. Out of that has grown a deeper desire to be ALL He wants me to be. I look forward to my time with Him, and I long for a closer relationship with Him. I owe Him so much!
God often reminds me of my favorite verse.... "You will go out with JOY and be lead forth with PEACE..." Often times I feel like God has given me peace, but where is the JOY? Joy is my middle name, and sometimes it seems ironic that JOY is something I struggle with the most. So I've been praying that God would fill me with His joy. AND HE IS!!! HE HAS!!! I am so happy with LIFE. I feel so alive! He is MY LIFE! He is MY JOY!
So I was thinking about all this this evening as I took a walk around a few city blocks. God has changed me so much. I wish others could experience the JOY I have found. And then the song came to me...
"I wish for you my friend,
this happiness that I've found.
You can depend on Him,
it matters not where you're bound
I'll SHOUT it from the mountain tops!
I want my WORLD to KNOW!
The LORD of LOVE, has COME to ME!
I want to pass it on."
As I sang these words, tears came to my eyes. God has done SOOO much!! I want to shout it from the mountain tops! I want MY WORLD to know what God has done for me. I wish others could experience the same JOY. I wish my co-worker Nickie, who said to me yesterday.. "My life sucks, I HATE my life!!" I wish she could experience the hope, and life that I have found. I pray that she would see Jesus in me. I want to help others who are going through depression and feel hopelessly alone. I want to point people to the true source of Life and Joy, Jesus Christ.
God continues to change me life. How can I thank Him?
