Puzzle Pieces

Sometimes life feels like a puzzle.

We have this piece that just does NOT go with the rest of the puzzle.
It's the wrong color.
Or maybe even the wrong shape.
It looks totally out of place with the other pieces.
Where did it come from?
This is not my piece, it has to belong to another puzzle.
It's black, it's ugly.
It's awkward, maybe even painful.
It has no meaning.

But it's there.

Time goes on.
The piece does not move.
We learn to accept the "odd" piece.
But what is it's purpose?
Why would the Master puzzle maker put this piece in my puzzle?
It ruins the whole picture.
Does the Maker know what He's doing?
Could He have made a mistake?

Time goes on, maybe even years.

Then suddenly one day it all makes sense!
More missing pieces are put in place, making a beautiful picture.
Who would have guessed?
The piece that looked so out of place, now is one of the most important pieces of the whole puzzle.
It no longer looks ugly.
It no longer sticks out.
That one piece brings purpose, security, and meaning to the whole picture.
Instead of being angry at the ugly piece, we are now thankful.
Instead of rejection, we embrace.
Instead of hate, we love.
The Maker knew what He was doing when He designed the puzzle.
But the puzzle is far from being finished.
More out of place, ugly, pieces are bound to show up before the puzzle is completed.
But we aren't afraid of them, because we know we can trust the Maker.

Knowing God

Part I: Sleepless nights

In the last month or so I have been experiencing intense pain in my arms and wrists. Some say it's carpal tunnel or tendinitis but whatever it is, it keeps me up at night. Sometimes it's so intense I feel like I'm loosing my mind. Being in pain for long periods of time does something to your mind. And then when you add loosing sleep and a bad day of work to the mix...  lets just say the last few weeks have been rather discouraging. I've taken pills, and I've prayed for healing. But God didn't seem to care. Why wasn't He here? Why wasn't He listening?

We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear

 We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near

We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love

As if every promise from Your Word is not enough

And all the while You hear each desperate plea

And long that we'd have faith to believe

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears?

And what if a thousand sleepless nights

Are what it takes to know You're near?

- Blessings by Laura Story

Last week one day the words to this song really grabbed my heart. It described me to a T. (Where does that expression come from anyway?) It seemed like God was trying to say something to me. Yep, it came down to the word TRUST. Can I trust Him even when He doesn't take the pain away? Am I willing to spend sleepless nights in pain if it means I will be closer to Him? I do want to trust Him. I know He is in control, and I know He is the ultimate Healer. My greatest desire in life is to be closer to the heart of God. If that means painful, sleepless nights.... then I pray that God would give me emotional, physical, and spiritual strength to go through that. My prayers have had a wrong focus, instead of begging God for healing, I need to trust Him and allow Him to work in my life through the painful situations. 


*note: I've been seeing a massage therapist for my arms, and it's been helping some. The pain comes from my job which I will be quitting in 5 days. :) (VERY HAPPY) So within a few weeks time I'm fairly confident it will disappear almost 100% 

Part II: God reaches for me


I've been reading through the Bible in 90 days, and I just finished the Old Testament. It's been amazing so far, but I think it's changed my view of God especially after just finishing the minor prophets and all God's judgments on the wicked people. He talks to His people through a prophet or a priest.  God doesn't seem as personable and loving like I used to view Him. More like someone who rules a country, makes laws, and condemns people. Is He really MY Heavenly Father, MY Friend, MY Comfort, MY Strength, MY High Tower? Does He really see ME and love ME for who I am? Do I really matter to Him? These have been some of the thoughts (doubts) after reading the O.T. I look forward to what God will show me about Himself in the New Testament. Another song that has really spoken to my heart is called Reach. "So many people in this world, still I hear Him calling out MY name." God knows me, and He reaches out to me with a love that quiets all my fears.

You hold the weight of the world

Still I don’t slip through Your hands
Your love is bigger than just an ocean built by man
I fall again and again but You whisper, “You’re still mine”
You feel the pain of the world but You never push mine aside

And You reach for me with a love that quiets all my fears
And You reach for me like a Father wipes away the tears
So many people in this world, but I hear You calling out my name
You reach for me, now I’m never gonna be the same

You know all of my fears, there’s nothing Your eyes can’t see
When I tried to give up, Lord, You never gave up on me
I give You all of my hopes and dreams, I lay them down
Of all the places I’ve looked Your the one truth I have found

You reach for me
You hold the weight of the world
Still I don’t slip through Your hands
You put the stars in the sky You know every grain of sand
-Reach by Peter Furler 

This happiness that I've found

Off and on over the last 12 years I have struggled with depression. My earliest recollection is when I was in high school. Life was rocky and I hated school. I remember crying myself to sleep for nights on end. I remember looking longingly at a bottle of pills, wishing I wouldn't have to live any more. Life got better, I graduated and moved on with my life. 

A few years later while teaching school, I again became very depressed. There are a lot of details that played into that. I hated life, and didn't want to live anymore. The darkest moment of my life happened a few weeks before Christmas. Some friends and I were driving a few hours away to a Christmas play. I can still remember the empty helplessness that I felt. I so badly wanted to die. I heard voices telling me to open the car door and jump out. I remember touching the door. I remember shaking with fear and moving closer the the center of the car. I felt so alone. After that experience I knew I needed help, and I was willing to ask for it. That was the beginning of a long, hard journey. I was able to get some counseling, and talk about my depression. Most of my problems steamed from a stubborn heart. I struggled for a few years to really commit to following after God. But I eventually got my act together, and although I had more set backs than I can count, I started taking one small step at a time. ( A season of wasted years and regrets )  Writing and remembering this, has reminded me of what God has saved me from! Where would I be today if I would not have turned my life over to Him? Would I still be alive? Would I be locked up in a mental hospital somewhere, totally wasted?  "God thank You so much for rescuing me, and giving me chance after chance. I owe my life to You."

Ever since then depression as been like a plague always knocking at the door. Sometimes it doesn't take much at all to set me over the edge. The last few months to a year have been so different for me. Being at SMBI was an amazing experience, a real booster in my spiritual life.  But especially since I moved to Waterloo, Ontario, God has shown Himself to me in AMAZINGLY REAL ways. He is so personal, and real to me. He has shown His love to me in ways I have never experienced before. Out of that has grown a deeper desire to be ALL He wants me to be. I look forward to my time with Him, and I long for a closer relationship with Him. I owe Him so much!

 

God often reminds me of my favorite  verse.... "You will go out with JOY and be lead forth with PEACE..."  Often times I feel like God has given me peace, but where is the JOY? Joy is my middle name, and sometimes it seems ironic that JOY is something I struggle with the most. So I've been praying that God would fill me with His joy. AND HE IS!!! HE HAS!!!  I am so happy with LIFE. I feel so alive! He is MY LIFE! He is MY JOY! 

So I was thinking about all this this evening as I took a walk around a few city blocks. God has changed me so much. I wish others could experience the JOY I have found. And then the song came to me...

"I wish for you my friend,

this happiness that I've found.

You can depend on Him,

it matters not where you're bound

I'll SHOUT it from the mountain tops!

I want my WORLD to KNOW!

The LORD of LOVE, has COME to ME!

I want to pass it on."

As I sang these words, tears came to my eyes. God has done SOOO much!! I want to shout it from the mountain tops!  I want MY WORLD to know what God has done for me. I wish others could experience the same JOY.  I wish my co-worker Nickie, who said to me yesterday.. "My life sucks, I HATE my life!!"  I wish she could experience the hope, and life that I have found. I pray that she would see Jesus in me. I want to help others who are going through depression and feel hopelessly alone. I want to point people to the true source of Life and Joy, Jesus Christ. 

God continues to change me life. How can I thank Him? 

Happy 50th Birthday Mom

She is often seen reading her Bible in the early morning hours.

She taught us to be frugal with our money.

She never complains, or talks negative about someone. 

She is an amazing example of a Godly, supportive, submissive wife.

She spends time with her extended family, and helps take care of her Dad.

She gives honor and respect to those over her.

She loves to entertain friends in our home on a regular basis.

She cares about others and their needs.

She has the gift of hospitality.

She loves her family, and serves them unconditionally.

She home schooled her 5 children through all 12 grades, 

with only a grade 8 education.

She works hard, doing laundry, cooking, and managing the household. 

She can cook for 100 people with little stress.

She makes the most amazing bread, cinnamon rolls, and pies.

Her meals are to die for.

She has a great listening ear, and often has friends over for coffee 

just to hear their heart.

She cares about the needs of others.

She loves kids, and enjoys helping with girl's club and VBS.

She has fun with the family, whether it's shoveling snow, 

mowing grass, or playing games. 

She even tries to enjoy watching a football game.

She texts and use facebook on a regular basis.

She enjoys working in the garden.

She does a lot of canning, freezing, and storing up food.

She loves to sew.

Thanks Mom, for the legacy you have left me. 

Thank you for being the kind of Godly woman I know I can trust,

and feel safe to follow in their footsteps.

You are a blessing and encouragement to me, 

and to the many others who know you.

I love you. 

Lessons on Trust

Me: These waves look monstrous! There's no way I can out swim this one.
God: Are you looking at the waves? or are you looking at the One who controls the storm?
Me: hmmm good question. My focus is wrong. I need to trust You more. pause... But did you see those waves!!!! They are HUGE. There's no way this will work.
God: So are you saying the waves are bigger than I am?
Me: haha No! that sounds ridiculous!!! ...I guess it does kind of sound like that doesn't it? But it's not true!  You are so MIGHTY and POWERFUL! You are in control, help me trust You more.


20 hours later...


Me: uhm God? Didn't you see the waves? I don't need another one! I'm already drowning! What's going on here??
God: I thought you said You wanted me to help you trust Me more?
Me: I did... but not like this??
God: What, so you want to be in control now?
Me: no...  I'm sorry God, I need You to lead me! I will keep trusting. 


to be continued...  

No Matter What -By Kerrie Roberts

I'm running back to your promises one more time, Lord that's all I can hold on to, I gotta say this has taken me by surprise, but nothing surprises you. Before a heartache can ever touch my life, it has to go through Your hands, and even though I keep asking why... I keep asking why,

No matter what, I'm gonna love You, no matter what I'm gonna need You, I know You can find a way to keep me from the pain but if not, I'll trust you, no matter what, no matter what.

When I'm stuck and there's nothing else by myself, I'm just sitting in silence, there's no way I can make it without Your help, I wont even try it. I know You have Your reasons for everything, so I will keep believing, whatever I might be feeling, God you are my hope, and you will be my strength,

No matter what, I'm gonna love You, no matter what I'm gonna need You, I know You can find a way to keep me from the pain but if not, I'll trust you, no matter what, no matter what.

Anything I don't have You can give it to me, but it's ok if You don't, I'm not here for those things, the touch of Your love is enough on its own, no matter what I still love You and I'm gona need You

No matter what I'm gonna love you, no matter what I'm gonna need you, I know You can find a way to keep me from the pain but if not , I'll trust You, no matter what, no matter what.

I'd rather SEE a sermon

I'd rather see a sermon

than hear one any day;

I'd rather one should walk with me

than merely tell the way.

The eye's a better pupil

and more willing than the ear,

Fine counsel is confusing,

but example's always clear;

And the best of all preachers

are the men who live their creeds,

For to see good put in action

is what everybody needs.

I soon can learn to do it

if you'll let me see it done;

I can watch your hands in action,

but your tongue too fast may run.

And the lecture you deliver

may be very wise and true,

But I'd rather get my lessons

by observing what you do;

For I might misunderstand you

and the high advice you give,

But there's no misunderstanding

how you act and how you live.

-Edgar Albert Guest

Yesterday was Father's day, and part of this poem was recited during the message. Even tho I'm not a Father (or parent), I was challenged by these words.  I am being watched. I am being followed. The things I do, my attitude, and how I respond, speak louder then the words I try to say or the lessons I try to drill. Oh that people would see Jesus in me.