Knowing God

Part I: Sleepless nights

In the last month or so I have been experiencing intense pain in my arms and wrists. Some say it's carpal tunnel or tendinitis but whatever it is, it keeps me up at night. Sometimes it's so intense I feel like I'm loosing my mind. Being in pain for long periods of time does something to your mind. And then when you add loosing sleep and a bad day of work to the mix...  lets just say the last few weeks have been rather discouraging. I've taken pills, and I've prayed for healing. But God didn't seem to care. Why wasn't He here? Why wasn't He listening?

We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear

 We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near

We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love

As if every promise from Your Word is not enough

And all the while You hear each desperate plea

And long that we'd have faith to believe

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears?

And what if a thousand sleepless nights

Are what it takes to know You're near?

- Blessings by Laura Story

Last week one day the words to this song really grabbed my heart. It described me to a T. (Where does that expression come from anyway?) It seemed like God was trying to say something to me. Yep, it came down to the word TRUST. Can I trust Him even when He doesn't take the pain away? Am I willing to spend sleepless nights in pain if it means I will be closer to Him? I do want to trust Him. I know He is in control, and I know He is the ultimate Healer. My greatest desire in life is to be closer to the heart of God. If that means painful, sleepless nights.... then I pray that God would give me emotional, physical, and spiritual strength to go through that. My prayers have had a wrong focus, instead of begging God for healing, I need to trust Him and allow Him to work in my life through the painful situations. 


*note: I've been seeing a massage therapist for my arms, and it's been helping some. The pain comes from my job which I will be quitting in 5 days. :) (VERY HAPPY) So within a few weeks time I'm fairly confident it will disappear almost 100% 

Part II: God reaches for me


I've been reading through the Bible in 90 days, and I just finished the Old Testament. It's been amazing so far, but I think it's changed my view of God especially after just finishing the minor prophets and all God's judgments on the wicked people. He talks to His people through a prophet or a priest.  God doesn't seem as personable and loving like I used to view Him. More like someone who rules a country, makes laws, and condemns people. Is He really MY Heavenly Father, MY Friend, MY Comfort, MY Strength, MY High Tower? Does He really see ME and love ME for who I am? Do I really matter to Him? These have been some of the thoughts (doubts) after reading the O.T. I look forward to what God will show me about Himself in the New Testament. Another song that has really spoken to my heart is called Reach. "So many people in this world, still I hear Him calling out MY name." God knows me, and He reaches out to me with a love that quiets all my fears.

You hold the weight of the world

Still I don’t slip through Your hands
Your love is bigger than just an ocean built by man
I fall again and again but You whisper, “You’re still mine”
You feel the pain of the world but You never push mine aside

And You reach for me with a love that quiets all my fears
And You reach for me like a Father wipes away the tears
So many people in this world, but I hear You calling out my name
You reach for me, now I’m never gonna be the same

You know all of my fears, there’s nothing Your eyes can’t see
When I tried to give up, Lord, You never gave up on me
I give You all of my hopes and dreams, I lay them down
Of all the places I’ve looked Your the one truth I have found

You reach for me
You hold the weight of the world
Still I don’t slip through Your hands
You put the stars in the sky You know every grain of sand
-Reach by Peter Furler