His Mercies in Disguise

“I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of Him, So now I give her to the Lord, for her whole life she will be given to the Lord. Go, my daughter, and worship the Lord there.” (I Samuel 1:37-28)


We found out on Father's Day. It was so special. God was giving us another precious gift. Our joy was held at bay tho as complications immediately began. Fear is such an ugly thing. It controlled me more than I would like to admit. I saught after God continuously to save our baby. Dr. Fannin seamed to think that everything was ok. Blood work looked normal. We continued on as planned as best we could.

The day after we found out another baby was on the way, Shawn looks at me and says with confidence, “You do know it's a girl, right?” I laughed. I wasn't so sure, but he was convinced.  We tried to get excited. There were moments the fear melted away and we dreamed of holding our beautiful baby. But the joy never really lasted long.


It was our week of moving too. So there was packing and cleaning that needed to be done. There were days I had to lay down. I spent a lot of time reading my Bible and praying, and in those moments God's presence was right there in the room with me.  We had friends who came and took over for me when I felt like I couldn't. Moving day went on without a hitch. We were so blessed with many, many caring hearts and helping hands.

Sunday, only a week after we knew of our precious little one, complications began to escalate. I was sitting in the kitchen of our new house and the song Blessings, by Laura Story came on the radio. 

“What if your blessings come through raindrops,

 what if your healing comes through tears,

 what if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near,

 what if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life 

is a revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy. 

What if trials of this life, the rains, the storms, the hardest nights 

are Your mercies in disguise.”

I wept. Oh how I wept. I knew in my soul that our baby would not be with us much longer. That night in our devotions together we read Psalm 119:68 “You are good, and what You do is good.”


Monday, June 26, following an ultrasound, the doctor with such kind words utters what you already know in your heart. “Unfortunately it looks like you are having a miscarriage, I am so sorry.”
Relief and sorrow, that's what I felt that day. The burden of fear was gone, and only then I realized how controlled I had been by fear. Relief that there was an answer to what was going on with my body. Relief that it would all be over soon. Sorrow that our baby girl was taken from us too soon. Sorrow of not ever knowing who our child would have grown up to become.


9 days, we only knew for 9 days. There was life, and then there wasn't. Somewhere along the line our baby girl joined her brother in heaven. I am a mommy of 2 who are dancing on golden streets in the presence of the King of Kings. Shawn said we needed to pick out a girl's name. We had named our son Evan, which means mighty warrior, and we wanted a girl's name that had some meaning to it as well. We thought about it for awhile. The name Pearl stood out to us, but it meant 'a gem' That's nice and all, but we wanted more meaning. Then we found out that Pearl is the birthstone for June. It seemed so fitting, so we named our baby girl Pearl.

Pearl Weaver

It's hard to express my thoughts and feelings in the days that followed. I was busy. There were boxes to unpack and shelves to fill. I tried not to think about it some days. Other days, it's all I could think about. I was keenly aware of how the loss of my first baby had shook me to the core. It had left me depressed and insecure of who I was. There were months of grappling in the dark to find my purpose and meaning. Our marriage suffered greatly. I hit rock bottom. So did Shawn. I did not want to go through that again. At first my thought was to just build a bridge and walk over the chasm of grief to the other side where there was healing and life. Why go through grief again? I don't need it. But I knew that I wouldn't heal properly if I didn't allow myself to process and grieve. So I began to journal, read my Bible and pray. I spent hours with Jesus, and oh it was sweet. His presence was surreal, His peace was beyond all understanding. I made lists of verses and hung them through out the house. I felt happy, peaceful, and hopeful that this journey through grief would be an easier one. Life would go on. God would always be here.

And He has been. It's been a month now and I can't begin to explain the peace that God has brought to my heart. I don't think I've ever experienced anything quite like it. God has wrapped His arms around me and spoken love and comfort to my aching soul.

 “I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of Him,...So often I read this verse and stop there, but the last few weeks I've really been thinking about the verse that follows.
"So now I give him to the Lord, for his whole life he will be given to the Lord. Go, my son, and worship the Lord there.” (I Samuel 1:37-28) It is a great honor to have my children called, by their Heavenly Father, to worship  Him in Heaven. And with anything the Lord gives me, whether a house, a new job, finances, family or friends, I need to hold them with an open hand. Give all to the Lord to do with what He wants to do.

The Lord gives, and the Lord takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord. Job 1:21




I will sing the Lord's praise, for He has been good to me. Psalm 13:6


I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord. Psalm 26:13-14


Many, Lord my God, are the WONDERS you have done, the things you planned for us. None can compare with You; were I to speak and tell of your deeds, they would be too many to declare. Psalm 40:5


For GREAT is Your LOVE, reaching to the heavens; Your faithfulness reaches to the skies. Psalm 57:10


I will sing of Your strength, in the morning I will sing of Your love: for you are my fortress, my God on whom I can rely. Psalm 59:16-17


The whole earth is filled with AWE at Your WONDERS; where morning dawns, where evening fades, You call forth songs of JOY. Psalm 65:8



You are good, and what You do is good. Psalm 119:68